Yes me old china plates, dearest friends, we’re all puffed up with pride because 2012 is the official London Olympics, all taking place in our dear old East End of London Town.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it’s the cockney Olympics! Those clever people in the Olympic committee sat down and said to themselves, right, they said, we need to choose a town which has:

  • the best grub
  • the best boozers
  • the best markets
  • the best people
  • the best culture
  • oh yeah and one or two decent sportspeople I spose

The whole wide world will be having a good old butcher’s at London. All those foreign types will be nosing around being extra-specially interested in our cockney culture, and maybe scratching their loaves wondering what we’re on about when they come over for the cockney Olympics. So here’s our special new cockney dictionary of sporting terms that you’ll need to know:

Cycling  
BikeDick van Dyke“Ooof ‘e took a nasty tumble off ‘is Dick van Dyke”
RoadFrog and Toad“Fairly flying up the Frog and Toad they were”
Football  
BallsOrchestra Stalls“Kicked that Orchestra right to the end of the pitch”
BootsDaisy Roots“These modern footballers wear right expensive Daisies these days”
ScoreBobby Moore“What’s the Bobby Moore mate?”
Equestrian Sports  
HorseCharing Cross“A fine Charing Cross enters the arena now …”
RacesAirs and Graces“Got a few exciting Airs and Graces coming up this afternoon”
Diving  
DiverLady Godiva“That Tom Daley’s quite a Lady Godiva innee?”
Rowing/canoeing  
BoatNanny Goat“Better hope those Nanny Goats are waterproof …”
RiverShake and Shiver“… oops, nope, they’ve all gorn into the Shake and Shiver!”
Boxing  
GlovesTurtle Doves“Here he comes, pullin’ on his Turtle Doves, ready for action”
EarKing Lear“Look at the King Lears on him, they’re like cauliflowers”
ChinErrol Flynn“Oooh a fine left-hook to the Errol Flynn”
  
Tennis  
BallsAlbert Halls“He hit the Albert Hall right out of the court!”
Gymnastics  
GymFat Boy Slim“Obviously been working out down the old Fat Boy Slim”
DanceJack Palance“Nice bit of gymnastic Jack Palancing there”
Swimming  
DipApple Pip“Olympic swimming – it’s just an Apple Pip sped up really”

If you’ve got any more essential Cockney phrases we need to include in our special Olympics edition of the dictionary, send us a Jimmy Nail and we’ll put it right in.